--Released just after Vick's indictment--





http://www.sportspickle.com/features/volume6/2007-0718-pacman.jpg The NFL acted swiftly today to the news that Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted by a federal grand jury on charges of running a dog-fighting ring at his Virginia home, adding an additional year to the existing one-year suspension of Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones.

“During my time as NFL commissioner, I have made it clear that I will not put up with any of our players – no matter how big a name they are or how marketable they might be – putting the NFL in a bad light,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “I do not even require that a case run its course in the legal system. And that’s exactly what I’m doing again in this case. I will not wait to see if Michael will get convicted before I levy a judgment against Pacman.”

Vick maintains his innocence in the case, but says he will accept the commissioner’s quick decision.

“I am eager to see my name cleared in a court of law,” said Vick. “But until then, I will accept my punishment like a man. It will be hard for me to watch a talent like Pacman Jones sit on the sidelines for an entire year, but NFL players are at the mercy of the commissioner in such situations. I have half a mind to file a grievance with the union, but I probably won’t.”

Jones says he will, however.

“Man, this is bullsh-t,” said the embattled Titans star. “Goodell refuses to cut me any slack at all. I have yet to be convicted of a single thing, yet now I’m out for not just one year, but two. How was I supposed to know that skank-ho stripper I made it rain on was his niece? The guy needs to get over it and stop taking everything out on me.”

But Goodell scoffs at claims he is treating Jones unfairly compared to the many other NFL players who have recently had legal issues.

“I made it clear to Pacman when we met at my office a few years ago that he had to stop hanging around unsavory characters or his suspension would be extended,” said Goodell. “But since then I’ve learned he is loosely associated with many despicable individuals such as Chris Henry, Tank Johnson and Michael Vick. So I believe I have been quite fair with him. He needs to either clean up his act or get several huge endorsement deals that would make me think twice about punishing him so as to not harm the marketability of the league. It’s his choice.”

Nice! Is this from an article? Link?

it's from the rumor mill.

lol. i thought it was hysterical. sportspickle.com. i'll post another one from last season [before regular season] about vick. lmao. it's great.

Michael Vick Threatens Falcons With Passing More




http://www.sportspickle.com/features/volume4/2005-0817-vick.jpg As the Terrell Owens’s situation continues to hinder Eagles training camp, a far greater threat has developed in Atlanta as Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has threatened the team by saying he wants to throw the ball more this season.

“I want to prove I’m a real quarterback,” said Vick, menacingly. “Anyone who thinks all I can do is run is going to be surprised by how many balls I throw down the field this year. Just wait and see.”

That type of frightening news coming from their star player all off-season and into training camp has set the Falcons organization and their fans into a state of panic.

“No one is really sure why Michael is talking like that,” said head coach Jim Mora. “God knows we don’t want him to throw the ball unless there is absolutely, positively no other option. And even then it’s probably best he take a sack. We’ve stressed it to him over and over again: ‘Mike, don’t throw the ball if you want to have any chance of winning the game.’ He knows better than to behave like this.”


The talk from Vick – who finished 21st in passer rating last season, 26th in passing yards and 27th in completion percentage while rushing for 902 yards – has excited Atlanta’s NFC rivals and forced the Falcons to begin scrambling for a resolution.

One theory circulating in the organization is that Vick is bent on self-destruction after a year that saw his brother get arrested and suspended from Virginia Tech, the Falcons fold in the conference championship game, and the world learn that Vick has herpes.

“Sometimes when people experience struggles they become destructive and turn to things like bulimia, self-mutilation, or drugs,” said Falcons team physician, Dr. Leslie Manfred. “In Michael’s case, he may be looking to destroy himself and those around him with this insane idea of passing more. But we’re adamant about getting him counseling to help save him – and the Falcons.”

Others believe Vick is threatening the franchise to get a larger contract, but Falcons owner Arthur Blank can’t imagine that is the case since he signed a 10-year, $130 million contract extension just last December. But regardless, Blank says he is willing to pay any price to prevent Vick from delivering on his promise to pass more.

“When I first heard him talking about wanting to throw more during the off-season, I thought it was just harmless kidding,” said Blank. “But the scary part is that he seems really serious about it. Every day in practice he’s standing in the pocket chucking it all over the place – off water coolers, coaches, into the ground – but almost never into a receiver’s hands, of course. And the whole time the coaches are screaming: ‘Don’t stand in the pocket! Run, Michael, run! Please, for the love of God, run!’”

Blank and Mora have scheduled a meeting with Vick and his agent for Monday morning in hopes of resolving the problem and restoring Vick to a run-first, pass-an-extremely-distant-second quarterback.

“If they want a bigger contract or something, that’s fine. That can be understood and dealt with,” said Blank. “But to threaten the entire organization like this is not the way it should have been handled.”

I'll post any of the other stories like this i find in this thread. i'd hate to flood the rumor mill with obviously fake stories. haha.

CLEVELAND—Rookie quarterback Brady Quinn agreed to a five-year deal worth $20.2 million, including $7.75 million in guaranteed money, with the reluctant Cleveland Browns Tuesday, despite the team's hopes that Quinn would hold out through the first part of the season. "Last week, negotiations seemed stalled at about a half-million apart, and we were very comfortable with that amount," Browns GM Phil Savage said. "It's unfortunate that it got done so soon, but at least Brady wasn't here for the crucial first few days of camp." Head coach Romeo Crennel said that, while the almost certainly overrated Quinn's signing was unfortunate, there is still ample time for Quinn to suffer a season-ending injury during an exhibition game.


the next few i'll post are just from theonion. still gotta love the stuff.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Martin-Gramatica-R.jpg

Martin Gramatica bursts into flames due to over-excitement about game-winning field goal.

Last one for a while --

Brett Favre Demands Trade To 1996 Packers

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Brett-Favre.article_0.jpgGREEN BAY—Three-time MVP and undisputed future Hall of Fame quarterback Brett Favre, disappointed with the Packers' refusal to aggressively pursue receiver Randy Moss and frustrated with his team's apparent indifference to making immediate improvements on offense, is demanding a trade to the team he feels will give him the best shot at winning a last Super Bowl ring before his retirement: the 1996 Green Bay Packers.

"I just don't think this Packer team, and GM Ted Thompson especially, is thinking in terms of winning with me," said Favre, speaking to reporters at his charity golf tournament in Mississippi Sunday. "On the other hand, 1996 Packers GM Ron Wolf is committed to building the team completely around me. I don't think it's out of the question to say that with me behind center, the 1996 Packers are looking at going all the way to the Super Bowl."

Early reports had indicated that Favre was so upset that his team failed to close a draft-day deal for Randy Moss with the Oakland Raiders that his agent called Packers GM Ted Thompson and requested a trade to a team with capable receivers.

"Nothing against Donald [Driver] and Greg [Jennings], but if I can't throw it to Randy Moss, then I want to throw it to Antonio Freeman, Robert Brooks, and Don Beebe," Favre said. "I bet with them, I'd have more of a chance of throwing for, say, 3,899 yards and 39 touchdowns, with maybe as few as 13 interceptions. Who knows? That kind of production could even get me another MVP award, although of course that's much less important than leading the '96 Pack to another Super Bowl victory."

Favre also noted that, unlike the young and unproven 2007 Packers, the 1996 Packers boasted seasoned veterans on both sides of the ball.

"It sure would be great to play alongside Reggie White again—I get chills just thinking about seeing him in the locker room," Favre said. "That whole '96 defense is great, too. Santana Dotson is a force in the middle. That LeRoy Butler, I tell you, he's one of the most underrated safeties in the game. Desmond Howard isn't a bad kick returner, either. And unlike the Packer backfield I got now, the '96 Packers still feature William Henderson at fullback."

"Mark Chmura, though, I don't know," Favre admitted. "Decent tight end, but something about him isn't quite right."

In addition to the more elite personnel, Favre praised the aggressive attitude of the coaching squad and front office of the Packers of 1996, saying he was a fan of head coach Mike Holmgren's West Coast offense and Wolf's aggressive recruiting strategies.

"I think Holmgren and I would make an interesting team," Favre said. "He could teach me a lot. We could learn from each other. And I know Ron Wolf would have my back. If, say, our number-one receiver gets knocked out for the season in Week 7, I believe Wolf would go right after a great veteran free agent, like maybe Andre Rison, to give us an edge in the playoffs. I can almost guarantee that."

"It would really be something," Favre said. "We'd be one of the all-time great teams, a once-in-a-lifetime thing, you know? I'm going to have my agent look into it right away."

Although the Packers had no immediate comment, head coach Mike McCarthy said the team would be "heartbroken" to part with its greatest player, although in deference to Favre's long service, and for the good of the current team, they would be willing to consider a trade package including a first-round pick in the 2008 NFL draft and the 1996 Brett Favre.

Yeah, I read theonion regularly. Great stuff.

great stuff right here, lmao

the vick one is the funniest thing i have seen in a long time.