PacMan press conference.

LOS ANGELES—Suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pac-Man" Jones called a press conference Tuesday in order to emphasize that he will be nowhere near a possibly fatal stabbing that will occur during a fight involving several members of his entourage and the bartender at an L.A.–area strip club this coming Friday.

"I just want people to know that I'm not going to be present at Shaker's, the club where possibly about to be deceased chump-*** bartender Darrent Wilson has been known to exchange harsh language and threats with my known associates, including kicking me and my people out of his establishment," said Jones, who is also currently being questioned by police concerning a recent shooting at an Atlanta strip club and is currently on suspension from the NFL following a melee and shooting in February at a Las Vegas strip club. "I am sorry for what is about to happen to this man, who will be in the wrong place at the wrong time, but it will have had nothing to do with me."

Jones also took the opportunity to appeal once more to the NFL for leniency in a case of what he called "bad luck."

"I will be going to bed at midnight on Friday anyway, and the gentleman in question will not be knifed until about 3 a.m.," Jones added. "And about Wednesday I'm deciding to give up strip clubs anyway, since bad stuff can happen there, especially when employees act unreasonable. Just because I know the guys who will be there when this happens doesn't necessarily mean I knew it was going to happen."

The fight, which sources close to Jones say will apparently start as an argument over a woman, will involve Wilson and at least three as-yet unidentified members of Jones' group, although witnesses will not be able to place Jones at the scene. When contacted about the incident, Jones plans to promise to cooperate with authorities in their investigation and pray for Wilson's speedy recovery, if the bartender is alive at the time.

Jones stressed that no charges have yet been filed against him, saying that, although unfortunate, anticipation of the stabbing was "blowing the incident all out of proportion."

"This Saturday will mark my sixth arrest, or possibly seventh. I can't tell the future," Jones said, shaking his head in apparent anger. "Yet I won't get charged this time, either. They'll just be persecuting me for the stabbing that's going to happen because of the other stuff that already happened. Is that fair? I don't think that when Mr. Smart Mouth Darrent Wilson gets stabbed it should affect my career like that."

"You know that Darrent, the guy who's going to get tragically stabbed, has always had it in for me," Jones added. "By the time he gets put in the hospital or killed, he will have thrown me out of his club at least twice, and there's two days between now and the stabbing. I think he's going to use getting cut up as an excuse to get at my money, is what I think."

Manny Arora, Jones' attorney, said that Jones was "genuinely sorry in advance" about the incident, but was not at liberty to answer questions regarding his relationship with the one to three men who will be seen fleeing the vicinity covered in blood. Jones refused to confirm that the weapon to be used in the stabbing, a seven-inch pearl-handled hunting knife, will in fact be given to one of the men by Jones himself this coming Friday morning.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has already scheduled a rare Sunday meeting with Jones, demanding Jones be in his office as soon as news of the incident becomes public.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...ill_be_nowhere
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